ROMCOMS = PORN FO' LADYZ

[This blog post was written in late May/early June of 2014. But I eventually posted it, BY GOLLY]

Hey guys. yeah, I haven't posted since november. sorry for being a douche. Anyways, this post is probably going to be a verbal diarrhea sort of thing, as any post that takes me more than one sitting never gets posted. wait. scratch that. this isn't verbal. should I call it finger diarrhea? nope, that's worse. typing diarrhea? okay. here we go:

So, you probably heard about that movie Don Jon that came out some months ago (actually, like, 9 months ago). I didn't watch it, but basically the premise is that a young man who is obsessed with his image and addicted to pornography begins dating a beautiful woman. the woman finds out about his addiction and is freaked out. At some point, the young fellow uses the argument that the romantic comedies that hordes of women voraciously devour are no better than pornography. Again, I didn't watch this movie; all of the information I have is what I got from the trailer, reading the synopsis, and listening to an interview with Joseph Gordon-Levitt on NPR (I'll provide the link at the end of the post).

This idea gave me something to think about. it's not necessarily an original idea, as most people know on some level that romantic comedies are hogwash. similarly, I'd hope that people who watch pornography know that it's really not a realistic depiction of a healthy sexual relationship (you should know, I've never actually watched pornography... but I've heard some advertisements referred to as "softcore porn" (e.g. Carls Jr., Victoria's Secret) and if that's soft, then I can only assume pornography is much further from reality. besides that, pornography is often referred to as someone's fantasy. the very definition of the word fantasy is... well... "imagination"

So, anyways. You may be wondering what brought on this need for me to write a blog post (if you've even gotten this far without getting a snack or checking facebook. I haven't, but then, I'm writing it, so...). Well, friends, yesterday, I watched a movie called P.S. I Love You. It was released in 2007, and it stars Hilary Swank and Gerard Butler. I don't remember what urged me to watch it. When we were like, 14, my friend and I were going to watch it, but I had to go home before we got around to it. She watched it after I left her house and said it was good, but I never watched it myself. By the wonders of the internet, I can now watch movies without paying for or borrowing them *insert a couple of "Hail Marys" and pleas for forgiveness from movie production companies*

So, I watched it. You should know, I'm not typically a romantic comedy kind of person, except for Audrey Hepburn movies. Actually, I'm not really a movie person... I like movies, but I don't have a ton of patience, and usually can't watch them in one sitting, unless I'm in a movie theater, or with people who won't pause the movie for me. Okay, back on track: I watched it, but without checking the IMDb rating, or reading the synopsis. I had no idea what would happen. SPOILER: THE HUSBAND DIES. which is basically the starting point of the story. The husband, Gerry, dies of a brain tumor and leaves his dear, sweet wife, Holly, 10 letters to get her through the next year. It's a really beautiful story, complete with the romcom staples: light, airy soundtrack, snarky best friends, handsome love interests, and the pursuit of irrational dreams. The real depth of the movie is, I think, in the first half hour or so, before Holly receives Gerry's first message. the first scene of the film is of them fighting and then making up (side note: they had incredible chemistry). Then, it transitions into the next scene via opening credits. Now, we're at his funeral, which I was not expecting. In the next few bits, it shows her losing her mind. This really hit me. I've never been in love, and despite watching this fictional woman's suffering, I was jealous of her. I envied the fact that she'd loved someone so dearly that being without him caused her life to lose meaning. Throughout the movie, there are flashbacks of their life together and how they met, and it's absolutely agonizing. BTW I'm a wimp. 

So, kids, here's the problem. I watched the movie fairly early in the day, and for the rest of that day, I was depressed and unsatisfied. Right now, I'm in sort of a relationship thing. Whatever. Anyways, it's long distance and young and fresh and new and it's my first exclusive dating deal. woo. hoo. So, interestingly, the night before watching this movie, my man (We'll call him Llewyn) and I had a conversation about where our relationship was at. by the end, I was feeling pretty good. The future was looking merry and I was more confident in Llewyn's feelings for me. And then I watched that muthuh flippin' movie. All of a sudden I'm comparing Llewyn to Gerard Butler. I'm thinking things like "if I marry Llewyn, that means I'll never marry a guy with an Irish accent." and "Llewyn isn't as burly as Gerard Butler." In addition, I started comparing myself to Hilary Swank. 

But let's be honest:

perfect butt

she's pretty fit & stuff

Also, she got to wear this dress. Do you see that detailing? 

Romantic comedies are notorious for their unrealistic ladies. In her book Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? and Other Concerns, Mindy Kaling takes some time to address the different types of ladies found in romantic comedies. She opens this particular essay by saying she considers romantic comedies as a "subgenre of sci-fi" and is therefore able to watch them with glee. She explains that it's important to understand that romcoms take place in a world so detached from reality, that to consider them feasible puts you on the fast track to disappointment. Okay, here are the ladies that Kaling presented: 

1. The Klutz
2. The Ethereal Weirdo
3. The Woman Who is Obsessed With Her Career and is No Fun At All
4. The Forty-Two-Year-Old Mother of the Thirty-Year-Old Male Lead
5. The Sassy Best Friend
6. The Skinny Woman Who is Beautiful and Toned But Also Gluttonous and Disgusting
7. The Woman Who Works in an Art Gallery

1, 2, 3, and 6 all apply to Holly at some point in PSILY. During the flashback where 19-year-old Holly meets Gerry, we find out that she was an art student. She wears whimsical colors and awkwardly kisses Gerry (which he then fixes by non-awkwardly kissing her) and keeps his leather jacket which he let her borrow, saying that they might see one another again. I don't know, it seemed weird to me. Holly is the Klutz the night they go out to karaoke. She is the woman obsessed with work when she begins the shoe design thing (and arguably too in the opening scene, when she talks about not being able to have kids until they have a bigger apartment and more money). And in the weeks following Gerry's death, we see panoramic montages of her apartment, with pizza boxes and coffee cups scattered around. Also, number 5, the sassy best friend, is very present as well. 

Like, can we talk about this Sassy Best Friend for a second? 

  

Sylvie and Regina in Charade

The Sassy Best Friend is everywhere. Here we have Charade, released in 1963. The entire film is pristine from beginning to end. Here's the little gem of an exchange that starts the movie off: 

Reggie Sylvie -- I'm getting a divorce. 

Sylvie: a alors! From Charles? 

Reggie: He's the only husband I've got. I tried to make it work, I really have -- but -- 

Sylvie: But what? 

Reggie: I don't know how to explain it. I'm just too miserable. 

Sylvie: It is infuriating that your unhappiness does not turn to fat! 

[...]

 Sylvie: I don't understand. Why do you want a divorce? Reggie: Because I don't love him and he doesn't love me.

Sylvie: That's no reason to get a divorce! With a rich husband and this year's clothes you will not find it difficult to make some new friends.

See? Well, now I'm on a tangent, so here are some more notable SBFs:

Katherine Heigl and Judy Greer in 27 Dresses

Cheryl Hines, Keri Russell, and Adrienne Shelley in Waitress

Emma Caulfield and [ I could not find the other actress's name] in TiMER

Lake Bell in What Happens in Vegas

Okay. Those were some seriously random and obscure SBF references. Onward:

In addition to unrealistic women, romantic comedies also showcase unrealistic men, and unrealistic situations in general. I'd like to maybe continue this in another blog post, as right now, I am tuckered out. I know, I'm a wimp. Most people are able to take care of this in one go, or have the ability to come back to a post within a reasonable amount of time. I just hope I can revise it after I've posted... 

Sorry for how unorganized this post was. I truly struggle sometimes.

adios, octopi. 

Le Flower Child

Links:

IMDb

Don Jon: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2229499/?ref_=nv_sr_1

P.S I love you: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0431308/?ref_=rvi_tt

Charade: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0056923/?ref_=rvi_tt

27 Dresses: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0988595/?ref_=rvi_tt

Waitress: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0473308/?ref_=rvi_tt

TiMER: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1179794/?ref_=rvi_tt

NPR story: http://www.npr.org/2013/09/29/226858221/joseph-gordon-levitt-on-life-and-the-lenses-we-look-through